I'm not wearing a dress to look pretty I'm wearing a dress because it's hot as balls and I don't feel like wearing pants

When something goes wrong in your life just yell plot twist and move on

I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have any more food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said I want you to try and sell this to me

If you didn't get luck be in the air tonight the internet has probably ruined you

Scooby-Doo teaches kids that everything supernatural or otherworldly is just some a-hole trying to scare you so they can make some money

Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left

I would challenge you to a battle of wits but I see that you are unarmed

I am just one step away from being rich all I need now is money

If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji no matter what that emoji is they don't love you back